


The Hopeful Future of James Madison

by BlazingStarInInkyBlackness



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Rape/Non-con, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 10:08:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10569126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness/pseuds/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness
Summary: James is broken. Thomas is broken.They're both ready to die but neither of them are ready for the other to die.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Heartbroken Present of James Madison](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5769778) by [UnwaveringHurricane (jaimesselfishmachines)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaimesselfishmachines/pseuds/UnwaveringHurricane). 



> This is inspired by 'The story of James Madison' series by jaimesselfishmachines. This won't make sense if you haven't read it. If you have read it then this story starts just before the last two lines which is when their suicide attempts work.

Thomas went where he always did when he hated himself; to Hamilton. Everything he could do to himself was nothing compared to what Hamilton could do. Hamilton, the man who had raised himself from poverty and death and had stood tall despite everything.

When rumours of his affair had snuck in Thomas had expected Hamilton to fall but he met the rumours head on and forced people to listen and to understand. Thomas had watched in astonishment as it had just sloughed off him as if it was nothing.

He knew Hamilton would never sink to his levels and that nothing kept him down. Thomas had long since lost count of how many things kept him down. Watching Hamilton succeed was some twisted form of self-harm, the kind that was perfect, the kind that never left scars. Thomas’ body had more than enough scars, his liver was shot to all hell, his reputation was destroyed but he still needed that pain to remind him of who he was, what he was.

Hamilton was in his office when Thomas arrived. Thomas didn’t bother knocking, just strode in. Hamilton frowned as he stood up.

“Jefferson?”

Thomas paused in the doorway. He didn’t know what to say. He opened his mouth but his words were gone, leaving just him. That had never been enough.

“Are you alight?” Hamilton asked. He walked forwards and closed the door behind Thomas. Thomas watched him for a moment before he pressed Hamilton against the door. Hamilton stared up at him in surprise and Thomas paused before leaning down to kiss him.

Hamilton froze underneath him and Thomas growled, deepening the kiss. He needed this, he needed Hamilton to fuck him, to hurt him because it was what he deserved.

“Come on Hamilton, haven’t lost your edge now, have you?” Thomas hissed out. Hamilton stared up at him.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Whatever you want me to.”

“I want you to get the hell off me.” Hamilton growled back. Thomas stared at him before huffing and taking a few steps back. Hamilton stared at him before straightening his shirt. “What the fuck, Jefferson?”

“What does it matter?” Thomas spat. “You were happy to do it earlier!”

“Because I was drunk! Because you were drunk and because you told me James and you were over!”

“Well at least part of that’s true.” Thomas glared at Hamilton as the other man frowned. “We can fix the other two pretty fucking quickly.”

“You two wouldn’t split up.”

“Well we fucking did!” Thomas roared. Hamilton frowned before he sat down. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Sit down Thomas.”

“You’re not some kind of therapist Hamilton so quit acting like it.”

“No I’m not. I’m your colleague.”

“Not anymore.”

“Fine.” Hamilton growled out. “Then I’m the person you just decided to fuck. Sit the hell down Thomas.” Thomas stared at him for a moment before he sat down. “Explain what happened.”

“Why?”

“Because James deserves a lot better than you.”

“You think I don’t fucking know that?”

“Then tell me!”

Thomas sighed and stared off into the distance for a moment. He wanted a drink. He wanted to drink himself into oblivion and not stop until he couldn’t drink anymore, until he died. Then Thomas imagined James, what James would think if he found Thomas had died. James had already been torn up over accidently triggering Thomas.

“How much do you know about what happened eight years ago?”

 

When James woke up all he could see was the blood around him. He groaned slightly. He hadn’t managed it. He wanted to reach for the knife again but he’d begun to sober up and the rational part of his brain was screaming at him. He hated that part of his brain.

He pushed himself up and cried out in pain as blood began to dribble from the cuts. He grabbed a kitchen towel and wrapped it tightly around his left wrist. He felt his breath speed up as he realised he didn’t want to die. He didn’t want to bleed out on the kitchen floor because Thomas had been an ass.

James also knew that there was too much blood. He felt exhausted and there was no way he was going to fix these cuts on his own. He groaned and reached for his phone.

“Yeah. I need an ambulance.” James sighed and let his head rest against the cabinets. “I tried to kill myself.”

 

“Eight years ago?” Hamilton asked in confusion. “Before we were hired?”

“Yes.”

“You were in France.”

“No. I was here. I was-” Thomas sighed. He hated admitting this.

“Look Thomas, nothing will get outside this office okay?” Hamilton looked concerned. “I value James above political gain, okay? Anything you say is gonna be a secret.”

“I was in the bottom of a bottle.”

“You’re an alcoholic.” Hamilton stated. Thomas nodded.

“Don’t know when it started but eight years ago I tried to kill myself. Alcohol and sleeping pills it-” Thomas broke off. He hated this.

“Who found you?”

“Washington. He got me into a rehab facility. I fell off the wagon a few times but I was sober.”

“Until we slept together.”

“Yes.”

“Why did you come to me? I mean, you could have had anyone. Why me? You hate me.”

“Because I hate you. Because you’re-” Thomas clenched his fist and then shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. Washington got me clean and gave me this job. There was a-” Thomas stopped and took a deep breath. He knew rape could happen to anyone, knew that James had been raped. He also knew on an intellectual level that what Washington had done was rape.

Knowing and understanding are two different things.

“You need to hear me out on this Hamilton. I know you have some kind of God complex with Washington but you need to listen to me.”

“Why?”

“He’s-” Thomas chuckled, “not exactly the person you think he is.”

“You just said he got you sober and helped you.”

“He raped me.” Thomas’ voice was soft but Hamilton obviously heard it. His hands curled into fists and Thomas looked away. It hurt to tell someone. It hurt bad enough to tell people he was an alcoholic, of course this would hurt more.

“What?” Hamilton’s voice was deadly serious. “Is this a joke? Because if it is-”

“It’s not.” Thomas spat out. He felt tears in his eyes and he swiped them away. “Nothing gets out of this office, right?”

“Yeah.” Hamilton was staring at Thomas with an indescribable expression.

“He- first time he did it I was high. He got me clean for that as well. He covered up everything as long as I’d let him-” Thomas took in a deep breath and Hamilton just nodded numbly. “I didn’t want it.” Thomas felt his voice break and he coughed, refusing to look in Hamilton’s eyes. He was meant to be stronger than this.

“Did he tell you that he-” Hamilton paused as if trying to decide what words to choose, “he would make everything go away but if you told anyone he’d-” Hamilton took a deep breath and Thomas looked at him in confusion, “he’d ruin you. Everything you’d worked for would be-” Hamilton looked to Thomas as if it had been a question.

“How did you know?” Thomas asked quietly. Hamilton chuckled. It was harsh.

“One guess.”

 

Getting treated for self-inflicted injuries was embarrassing. The nurses kept on shooting James glances and he knew there was no way he’d be able to get anything sharp near him. His phone lay in his lap and he turned it over and over in his hands. He wanted to call Thomas but he didn’t want to.

What he’d said might have been too much, James admitted. He hadn’t exactly given Thomas time to explain.

Maybe there was a reason, James wondered. He couldn’t think of one. He didn’t understand why Thomas would do that, would get down on his knees for anyone. He understood, in some fucked up way, why Thomas would fuck Hamilton.

They had always been a self-destructive pair.

Sleeping with Washington didn’t make sense. Thomas put his work in front of a lot of things but not everything. When he was ill he wouldn’t force himself to work through it. He put his health in front of his work so James didn’t understand why Thomas couldn’t put his boyfriend in front of his work.

Finding out that Thomas had cheated on him once had been bad enough. To find out that he’d been cheating on James countless times since their relationship started was- James didn’t have an explanation.

James tried to think of a reason why Thomas would willingly let Washington do that to him.

If Thomas hadn’t wanted it he could have stopped it. He could have stopped the ‘incidents’ as he called them. He could have repaid Washington in any number of ways.

There was something niggling at the back of James’ head and he didn’t quite know what it was.

“Excuse me sir.”

James looked up at the words.

“I’m the psychiatrist you’ll be talking to. Seeing as you’re not allowed phones on the ward can I take that to look after?”

“Yeah. Sure.” James handed it over. It wouldn’t exactly do him any good now.

 

“How do you know that?” Thomas asked softly. Hamilton snorted and looked away.

“You know my story Thomas. You know where I came from, you know how I met the President. Did you really think he hired me for my writing?”

“You mean-”

“He fucked me and then told me I was good enough to bring to DC.” Hamilton shuddered slightly and looked away. “Everything I did, he was always there. Everything I tried to do, if it didn’t work then it was because he stopped it.”

“God.” Thomas whispered. “I thought-” Thomas broke off and the two stared at each other for a moment. Hamilton scoffed.

“Well here we are, a couple of whores.”

“James knows.”

“Oh.” Hamilton raised his eyebrows at that. “That was brave.”

“Washington told me to choose between James and my job. I chose James.”

“Then you told him everything.”

“I told him enough. He-” Thomas sighed. “He was horrified Alexander. He called me pathetic, disgusting. It’s odd seeing someone who understands what I am.”

“Why’d you come to me?”

“Because if I drink then Washington will clean up after me. If I try to do anything Washington will be there. I don’t- I don’t want to be indebted to him for another fucking second.”

Hamilton nodded at that and the office fell silent. Hamilton felt the vice in his chest slowly loosen. The secret he’d kept hidden for the last two decades was out in the open.

“What next?” Hamilton asked softly.

“Hell if I know.”

 

“I’m being admitted?” James asked. He wanted to ask it in horror, in revulsion, in anything apart from the bland tone he said it in. He wanted to feel something. The psychiatrist shook her head.

“I suggest that you undergo outpatient care but I don’t think you need to be sectioned. However, as is procedure, you now have to stay in the hospital for the next twenty four hours.”

“Okay.” James muttered. He could do that. The woman handed his phone back to him and he stared at it. Thomas hadn’t called him. He turned it over in his hand. He wanted to hate Thomas but he didn’t. He was furious but he was also just so empty. He couldn’t forgive Thomas for cheating on him.

James closed his eyes and sighed. Why would Thomas willingly let a man many years older than him fuck him? James paused at that.

Why was he saying let? Why wasn’t he saying that they slept _together,_ that they _chose_ to sleep together. That hadn’t been what Thomas had said either. He had said about his shame, about how disgusted James was going to be.

James remembered feeling like that. He remembered not being able to look people in the eye, terrified of what they’d see in him. He remembered feeling filthy and not being able to clean himself no matter how hot the water, no matter how many times he scrubbed his skin until it bled.

He remembered refusing food because of the sensation. He remembered refusing sleep because of the nightmares that plagued his dreams.

He remembered letting someone fuck him because he didn’t have the strength or the power to speak up, to defend himself. He remembered hating himself for not stopping it while also knowing he couldn’t have stopped it.

James remembered being raped.

It felt as if the breath had been knocked out of him and he lay back.

It hadn’t been consensual. Now that he thought back it was obvious. Thomas had been so scared, so hesitant and so small. He’d begged James and what had James done?

James was punching in Thomas’ number before he knew it.

It went to voicemail.

“Thomas I’m so sorry. This is-” James sobbed, “I’m so sorry. I- I didn’t wanna leave you Thomas. I- I’m sorry! I- I’m gonna make it better. P-permanently. It’s- you’re gonna be happy okay? It’ll be o-okay. You’ll be happy.” James felt his voice break slightly at that. “You’ll be happy without me.” Because how dare he imagine their relationship would carry on? “I just- I wanted to say goodbye. If you- please Thomas. Please get help. Please. I’m so sorry.”

James hung up and stared at the phone. As he went to dial in the number again a nurse appeared.

“Excuse me sir but you’re not allowed phones on the ward.”

“Please I just need to-”

“No sir. Give me the phone.”

James stared at her before he reluctantly passed the phone to her.

He laid back and tried to ignore the memories of hands forcing him. James had fucked up royally.

 

“I’d suggest a drink.” Hamilton said. “But that won’t help you.”

“I’d also suggest a drink.” Thomas sighed and put his head into his hands. “I’ve paid off my debts to Washington Alexander. I’ve paid everything off. I- I’ve lost everything.”

“No you haven’t.” Hamilton sighed and stood. Thomas watched him stand as well. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?”

“To your house. We’re going to sit down and discuss this with James like functioning adults.”

“Because that’s exactly what we are.” Thomas added, sarcasm dripping from each word. “Don’t you have work to do?”

“Not right now. I’m already a week ahead.”

“If you- if you had a shortcut,” Thomas kept his voice down as they walked through the halls. “Then why do you work yourself to death?”

“You have your vices. I have mine. Mine only give me RSI not liver failure.”

“So you wrote to punish yourself?”

“It’s complicated.” Hamilton sighed. “I got off my island with the help of my words. I wanted to make the world look at me and see me, not the immigrant bastard. Then Washington made me so much worse. In the beginning I thought writing could help me but it couldn’t. If I admit to what Washington has done to me then my life is over.”

“It’s a new world. Maybe you’ll be able to go somewhere when Washington is gone.” Hamilton was silent after that. “What?”

“I don’t know much about this but I don’t think Washington is ever going to be gone.”

“You can’t know that.”

Hamilton didn’t say anything to that. Thomas looked ahead and shuddered. He didn’t think Washington would ever go away either.

As they got into the car Thomas looked at his phone.

“James called me. Must have missed it.”

“You wanna listen to it?”

“He might not have anything nice to say.” Thomas bit his lip before beginning to scratch at his wrist again. Hamilton batted his hand away without a word. “He was pretty angry.”

“Listen to it.” Hamilton counselled. He kept his eyes on the road, not even sneaking a glance as Thomas listened to the voicemail.

“Oh god.” Thomas choked out. Hamilton turned to him to find tears streaming down Thomas’ face. “Oh my god!”

“What is it?” Thomas didn’t reply. “What is it?”

“Listen.”

James’ voice came over the speaker, tinny and far too quiet for the message it held.

“Thomas I’m so sorry. This is- I’m so sorry. I- I didn’t wanna leave you Thomas. I- I’m sorry! I- I’m gonna make it better. P-permanently. It’s- you’re gonna be happy okay? It’ll be o-okay. You’ll be happy. You’ll be happy without me. I just- I wanted to say goodbye. If you- please Thomas. Please get help. Please. I’m so sorry.”

“Fuck.” Hamilton breathed out. He glanced at Thomas before pressing his foot down on the accelerator. Thomas picked up his phone and typed in James’ number.

“Voicemail.” Thomas’ voice wavered and Hamilton cursed again. “James, please pick up. Please! James I can’t be happy without you! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about that but it’s not your fault! It was never your fault!”

Thomas kept on rambling and the words became more and more indecipherable. Eventually he started speaking French, each individual word running into the next one as if that could speed up their journey.

“We’re here.” Hamilton snapped and jumped out of the car. Thomas hung up on the voicemail he’d been recording. He didn’t know how long that one had been. He didn’t care. He needed to know that James was okay.

As soon as Thomas was in the house he ran to the kitchen. Hamilton was on his heels but froze as he heard the wail Thomas let out. Hamilton slowly approached the room and saw the blood that covered the floor. Thomas had fallen to his knees, trousers splotchy with blood but he didn’t seem to notice or even care.

“Oh god why!” Thomas screamed out. Hamilton felt tears in his eyes but then he paused. He glanced at the door and at the floor around him.

“Thomas,” Hamilton spoke softly. “Thomas!”

“What Hamilton? What the fuck do you want?” Thomas was up in an instant and gripping Hamilton’s collar. Hamilton felt his breath hitch as unwanted memories threatened to overwhelm him.

“There’s no body.” Hamilton whispered. Thomas stared at him for a moment in confusion. In the silence his phone rang. He took a step back and picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hello, this is Doctor Copeland from Washington Memorial Hospital. Can I ask why you’ve been calling this number?”

“It’s my boyfriend’s. Wh-what- I don’t understand.”

“Okay. I need you to calm down. James Madison has been admitted.”

“He- he’s alive?” Thomas all but sobbed. Hamilton looked at him for confirmation.

“Yes.”

“Thank fuck.”

“You should come to the hospital as soon as you can. Mr Madison is alive and stable physically but we’re not sure about mentally.”

“O- okay. I’ll be there. Thank you so much.”

Thomas hung up and ran back to the car. Hamilton followed, closing the door on the horrific scene behind them.

“Washington Memorial Hospital.” Jefferson spat out. Hamilton nodded and raced towards the hospital.

 

James lay back in his bed. He’d fucked up so bad.

He loved Thomas, he knew he did. James also knew that Thomas had been given too many chances. If James had any self-respect then he’d have done exactly what he had. Unfortunately that would only be if he had cheated.

James blaming Thomas for being raped was something completely different.

His phone still hadn’t been returned but James couldn’t be bothered to care. He was too far into a circle of self-hatred to want to see Thomas respond with the kind words he hoped he’d have.

“James!”

James sat up at the shout. The next moment he was enveloped in a hug. He squeaked in surprise and the person pulled back, looking terrified.

“Thomas?”

“Oh God James I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t have done any of it. I know I don’t deserve you and I know I never will but please you can’t do something like this over me I don’t deserve it. Please never do it. You have so much more you can do with your life and if you end it now then it won’t prove anything and it won’t help anything. It’ll hurt you so fucking much and I don’t want that to happen. You’re so incredible James and I know I don’t’ deserve you but-”

“He raped you.” James cut through Thomas’ babbling. Thomas pulled back and looked away. James took in his crumpled appearance and the blood on his hands and knees. “Is that my blood?” He asked, as if he wasn’t still there.

“Yes.” Hamilton stepped forwards. “To both questions.” Hamilton looked exhausted. There was blood around his throat as if someone had choked him.

“When did it first happen?”

“James please-” Thomas broke off and sat down in the seat next to James.

“When did it first happen?”

“I don’t remember the year. A long time ago. I got high, slept with a prostitute and a reporter found out. Washington told me he could fix it. I said I’d do it, whatever it took. And I did.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

Thomas scoffed at that and shook his head.

“Do you think anyone could take me seriously as a politician if I told them I let Washington do whatever he wanted to me?”

“I- I guess not.” James looked down and sighed.

“I should have told you a long time ago.” Thomas took James’ hand gently. “I- I should have stopped it and it should-”

“You were raped.”

“No it was- I let it happen.”

“And then you stuck around. Why?”

“Because there was no point. Because by then I- I had done it and there were rewards and- and no matter how much I hated it I-”

“Because there were only a few weeks left in the semester.” James whispered. Thomas stared at him.

“No this isn’t-” Thomas shook his head. “That is nothing like this.”

“Yeah it is.” Hamilton muttered. “Mercer, right?”

“How do you know about that?” Thomas asked in confusion.

“I dated James for a long time. That’s what you’re talking about, isn’t it James?”

“Yeah. I get what it’s like to be scared of someone in a position of power Thomas. I- I shouldn’t have said what I did. I don’t think any of that, not really.”

“Thank you.” Thomas raised the hand he was still holding and kissed it gently. James smiled at him.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Hamilton stared at the two with a smile. They were happy. Well no, they were traumatised beyond all hell but in that second they were happy. He hated that he had to break it.

“I don’t want to live with Washington over me.” Hamilton’s voice was soft. Thomas looked to him in confusion. “I don’t think you do either.”

“There’s not exactly-”

“Yeah there is.” Hamilton sat down and took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. You two need to listen to me. Need to hear everything I’m going to say before you judge me. Judge me anymore than you already have anyway.”

 

A week later Washington was arrested. John Adams stepped into the position but the world was far too shocked at the Washington scandal to listen to Adams.

The newspapers wouldn’t stop running the story, twisting it a thousand different ways as more and more information came out. Every piece of evidence was even more damning than the last one and that was quite something seeing as the first piece of evidence was his Secretary of the Treasury beaten, bruised and half naked.

Everything came out. Washington had been abusing his powers to force his Secretary of the Treasury to sleep with him. He had abused the man from a young age and had forced his career into new directions, had overworked him and had physically beaten him from the beginning.

Alexander Hamilton wasn’t open for questioning. He showed up to work every day with a raised chin and a proud stare. No-one was open to questioning until Washington pled guilty to one count of rape, coercion, GBH, blackmail and extortion. He faced years in prison and the wrecks of his career.

All his Secretary of State could say to the press was that it was good that Washington had only done it to one person. He said he couldn’t imagine what would happen to Washington if it came out that he’d done it to multiple people, ruined more than one life.

Co-incidentally, Washington had pled guilty later that same day.

No-one was sure who the next President would be. Alexander Hamilton had been expected to until the news broke. The press was quiet about it but no-one believed that a man who had been so totally humiliated in front of the nation could lead them, not immediately at least.

There was no-one to replace Washington but a promising candidate had risen out of left field; Thomas Jefferson. There was no guarantee as to what would happen, not in the new terrifying world where a President would rape someone and leave them almost for dead.

 

Thomas watched it all unfold with a smile. Hamilton was clever, he had to give him that. The press could say there was no way Thomas could become President but he didn’t care. He’d be President and set right what Washington had done wrong. Maybe not immediately but eventually.

When he did he’d have Madison on the ballot and Hamilton would be by his side. The three would protect each other.

Thinking that, Thomas looked to his side. James was flicking through his phone. Thomas could see the deep cuts in James’ arms but he ignored them. He leant forwards and James chuckled gently.

“What is it?”

“The news says Washington pled guilty.”

“No shit.” James turned to Thomas and smiled. “You terrified me with that speech and I knew what you were trying to do.”

“Not what I was trying to do, what I managed to do.”

“Yeah.” James leant over and kissed Thomas. “What you managed to do.” He smiled and leant his head onto Thomas’ shoulder. Thomas stared down at him for a moment.

“Marry me.”

“What?” James asked, as if he hadn’t heard. Thomas knew he had, knew he must have head.

“Marry me. Please?”

“Thomas-” James pulled back and frowned.

“Look, I know I’ve fucked up in the past. I shouldn’t have slept with Hamilton and I should have told you about Washington. I get that this is all fucked up so much. I know that you’re hurting and that you’ll need help and I can’t fix you but I can be there to support you. I want to be there to support you. You deserve the world James but I hope you’ll settle for me.”

“You’re really asking to marry me?”

“Yeah.”

“Well,” James chuckled gently. “Yeah.”

Thomas leant forwards and kissed James gently.

**Author's Note:**

> (If anyone came here expecting the sequel to Yorktown then I am very sorry. This isn't Yorktown 2, it's the fifth fic I've finished while procrastinating Yorktown)  
> See you next time!


End file.
